Oliver Twist in 10 Minutes

[Once upon a time England sucked. Some would argue it still does, but those people don’t actually count as people, so, ignoring that… A baby named Oliver Twist was born. And his life REALLY sucked. Stuff happened and he went to work in a work house where he was starved, beaten, worked, and taken advantage of by his fellow work house kids.]

Kid: Hey, I dare you to go ask for more!

Other kid: I double dare you!

Another kid: I double dog dare you!

Oliver: Who, me?

Kids: YES!

[Oliver troops up to the Beadle Bumble and says famous words.]

Oliver: Please, sir…

Bumble: Speak up.

Oliver: Some…

Bumble: What?

Oliver: Some… more…?

Bumble: I couldn’t hear you. Please, repeat.

Oliver: Please, sir, may I have some more?

Bumble: ZOMG NO YOU CANNOT!

[Bumble picks Oliver up and drags him over to the bunches of men who decide that this kid needs a job. So, after a bit of trial and error, they give him to the Sowerberrys.]

Sowerberry: Now, you’re going to work, and I’m going to feed you, and you’re going to LISTEN and BEHAVE. Got that?

Oliver: Yes, sir.

Sowerberry: BTW, you’re sleeping with the coffins.

[The next morning…]

Noah Claypole: Lemme in, kid! I may only be slightly higher up on the food-chain then you, but still, you have to listen to me.

Charlotte: Can I listen to you too, Noah?

Noah:  Of course.

[So, life sucks for Oliver some more, but Mr. Sowerberry likes him and makes him work. Charlotte, Noah and Mrs. Sowerberry make his life miserable. Life goes on for a while. Then, one day, Noah and Oliver are alone together.]

Noah: I did your mom last night.

Oliver: My mum’s dead.

Noah: …Well, I did her before she died.

Oliver: She died before I was born.

Noah: …I’m totally your dad.

Oliver: Think about it, sir. I’m… 10. You’re... maybe 17 if we’re lucky. That would make you 7 when I was born, and considering the gestation period for a woman, you’d be probably 6 or an early 7 when I was conceived, and I highly doubt that even if a 6 or 7 year old could get an erection, which I’m sure he could, would he be able to impregnate a woman, let alone be allowed to have sex with her because there are laws against that. Unless, she was… 6 herself, but wouldn’t be able to have children if she was that age. Unless she was magical.

Noah: Fuck you! [Noah punches Oliver, who, stunned from his monologue about the miracle of human birth, totally pwns Noah. At least, until Charlotte and Mrs. Sowerberry arrive on the scene. Together, the three of them pwn Oliver.]

Noah: And I did it all by myself!

Charlotte:  Oh, Noah, you’re bleeding profusely from that cut. Let me nurse you back to health!

Noah: Oh, will I!

Mrs. Sowerberry: Oliver, you are a terrible person.

Bumble: I SECOND THAT!

Oliver: Where did you come from?

Bumble: Well, when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much…

Oliver: I KNOW! I just went over this with Noah.

Mrs. Sowerberry: I hate to point this out, Mr. Bumble, but the boy had a good point.

Bumble: I arrived on the scene. What’s the buzz?

Noah: The kid beat me!

Bumble: May he rot in hell!

[But, Oliver does not want to rot in hell, or the coal cellar, or even deal with this family anymore, so the boy runs away. To London. It’s like… 70 miles, so it’s a trip from HELL. He barely makes it, too.]

Oliver: London is… big… and I’m… 11… and going to… die… alone…

Dodger: Not if I can help it! Who are you, and what are you doing here?

Oliver: I’m Oliver. Oliver Twist.

Dodger: Jack Dawkins, but everyone just calls me the Artful Dodger. Hell, most of the people who read this book don’t even know my real name. And they all call me Dodger.

Charley: Charley Bates! I’m consequently ignored.

Oliver: Oh. I’m Oliver Twist… enough said.

Charley: Quite so!

Oliver: Anyways, I’m hungry, lost, and no longer alone.

Dodger: Here, have some food! [He steals some and hands it to Oliver while grabbing someone’s watch and another loaf of bread. Oliver eats the food.]

Oliver: Are you magical?

Charley: Oh ho ho!

Dodger: Actually, yes. My other name is Harry Potter.

Charley: We gonna take him to the old gentleman?

Dodger: Actually, yes, when you really think about it. It’s us bringing him to where he’s going to go that will cause him to go with us out latter and get into trouble because this kid is totally easily stunned and he’s gonna get screwed and run into a kindly old gentleman, perhaps physically, I don’t know, I’m not really magical, but if you think about it that way, we are taking him to the old gentleman.

[So they take him to Fagin, located on Saffron Hill, which is about a quarter of a mile away from Fleet Street, actually.]

Dodger: SECRET PASSWORD!

[The door opens and he, Charley and Oliver enter.]

Fagin: *devil imagery*

Dodger: That’s Fagin. We don’t know his first name.

Charley: He’s Jewish.

Oliver: Is that a plot point?

Dodger: …No, not really.

Fagin: Dodger! Charley! My dears! What did you pick up while you were out?

Dodger: A wallet, a watch, and this stray kid named Oliver Twist.

Fagin: Pleasure to meet you, Oliver my dear! I’m Fagin.

Oliver: Nice to meet you, too, sir.

Fagin: Now, get him food.

[The boys get him food, and they eat. Two lovely ladies enter.]

Fagin: Oliver, this is Nancy, she’s important, and this is Bet, who is significantly less important.

Bet: Often forgotten, actually.

Fagin: Bet’s often forgotten, actually.

Nancy: Hey, Oliver.

Oliver: …hi…. Nancy….

Nancy: You like it here?

Oliver: Must… be… some kinda… life…

Nancy: It’s a fine, fine life!

Bet: The kid’s totally into you.

Nancy: And I’d totally do him, except… he’s 11, and I have the best boyfriend in the world. Now, come along, Bet, let’s get some ice for my latest bruise.

[the girls exit, leaving Oliver to go gaga.]

Dodger: Aren’t they something?

Oliver: Oh. Yeah.

Dodger: Nancy’s mine. Charley’s got Bet.

Charley: Ooh, boy, do I!

Fagin: Oliver, this is gin. Drink up. It will be your best friend for the rest of your natural born life. However short that may be.

[He drinks, and goes to sleep. The alcohol may or may not have aided him in this.]

[The next morning… Oliver wakes up find himself alone. Except for Fagin. Who is hoarding over a box of stolen goods that are shiny.]

Fagin: My precious…. My preciousssss…

Oliver: …I’ll leave you alone now.

Fagin: WHAT DID YOU SEE BOY?

Oliver: …Nothing?

Fagin: Good answer. Now, Oliver, you’re going to learn how to make handkerchiefs?

Oliver: You mean with a needle and thread? Wouldn’t Nancy be better at teaching me that?

Fagin: Oh, she knows how, all right. But her services are more useful in other ways now.

Oliver: Oh?

Fagin: You just want to see Nancy again, don’t you?

Oliver: …Yeah.

Fagin: Sucks to be you. So… This is a handkerchief. It’s in my pocket. Take it.

Oliver: Out of your pocket, sir?

Fagin: Without me noticing.

Oliver: Isn’t that… stealing?

Fagin: That’s the idea, my boy! Come on! Now and then everyone’s got to pick a pocket or two! Hurry it up! Do it! Don’t make me stand here all day! I have gin to drink, money to get, shiny things to pet…

Oliver: I did, sir.

Fagin: …Oh. Well! If you’re lucky, you’ll be like Dodger soon enough! Or, better yet, Bill Sikes!

Oliver: Who is that, sir?

Fagin: My first pupil, worst enemy, and oh, yes, he’s also Nancy’s boyfriend. You and him will get along just fine.

Oliver: I’ll bet.

[Time passes. Only a few days. Soon enough, Fagin decides to sent Oliver out with Charley and Dodger. So, they go out. To Fleet Street.]

Charley: Dodge, have a bite of this pie!

Dodger: [eating pie] God, that’s good! And… oh, my… is that…

Oliver: A book store? Yes.

Dodger: Shut it! No! That man! There! Reading!

Charley: That kindly old gentleman?

Dodger: That’s the one!

Charley: Oh ho ho!

Dodger: I’m on it!

[Dodger and Charley go towards the man, Charley bumps into him and Dodger picks him. Oliver is totally awed by the magic that is pick-pocketing and realizes too late that Dodger and Charley are running away and the man is turning around trying to see who stole his stuff.]

Man: IT WAS HIM! [A mob decides to chase Oliver around and they catch him.]

Mob: BURN HIM! BURN THE WITCH!

Man: He’s not a witch. He’s a thief. To the judge!

Judge: So… Mr… Brownlow… You were… pick pocketed… by this boy… outside of a bookshop while you were reading?

Brownlow: Indeed I was, sir.

Bookkeeper: It wasn’t him, your honor. It was two other boys. He was in awe and didn’t realize until it was too late that the two boys were running away and that he had fallen in with a gang of pick pockets and his game with Fagin was more then a gang and actually a way of life.

Judge: …

Bookkeeper: Mr. Brownlow also stole my book.

Brownlow: ACCIDENT!

Judge: Well, because I’m anxious to get home to Johanna, the boy is free to go.

Brownlow: In order to make up to to you, Oliver Twist, I’m taking you home with me.

[Oliver faints.]

[Back at Fagin’s…]

Dodger: Oliver’s been taken by the traps.

Fagin: Fuck. Where’d they take him?

[A menacing shadow appears in the door way!]

Nancy:  BILL!

[They have a touching reunion that basically consists of her kissing him while Bill is completely noncommittal and is a little confused.]

Bill Sikes: What’s the problem, Fagin?

Fagin: The new boy’s been taken.

Dodger: By the traps!

Sikes: I’ve gotten that. Where to?

Fagin: Jail, probably.

Charley: He’s as good as dead!

Sikes: Stop being so melodramatic. Nancy’ll go get him.

Nancy: Nancy is actually not going to.

Sikes: Nancy will go.

Nancy: Nancy is going to go work on her street corner.

Sikes: [Smacking Nancy.] She’s going.

[A figure arrives at the jail. In tears.]

Nancy: Has anyone seen my brother? His name is Oliver Twist, he’s cute, and not a pick pocket, and I’m in serious trouble if I don’t find him. Where is he?

Man: He went off to the Brownlow’s. Said he had no family.

Nancy: Not true. I’m his sister.

Man: Really?

Nancy: …Yes. Where are the Browlow’s?

Man: Here’s the address. Good luck with your brother!

[In the mean time, at the Brownlow’s, Oliver has recovered and is very much loved. One day, Mr. Brownlow decides to send him out to return some book so the book store in fancy clothes with money. This is a really stupid idea. But Oliver goes anyways.]

Oliver: What a beautiful morning!

Nancy: Oh my god! Oliver! My brother! I miss you so much! Mom and dad miss you! I miss you! You’re killing them!

Oliver: Who the hell are you, lady?

Nancy: Your sister.

Oliver: No, you’re not!

Nancy: I totally am!

Woman: Who are you?

Nancy: His sister.

Oliver: No she’s not! She’s- [Finally realizing whose accosting him] Oh my god! Nancy! I’m in your arms at last! I can die happy!

Nancy: Come home with me. Your SISTER.

Oliver: NO! I HAVE A HOME AT THE BROWNLOWS! THEY LOVE ME!

Nancy: I love you.

Oliver: Really?

Sikes: [Coming out of the shadows.] OLIVER TWIST! MY SON! COME HOME RIGHT NOW OR YOUR MOTHER AND I WILL KILL YOU!

Oliver: I thought Nancy was supposed to be my sister…

Sikes: She is.

Oliver: But she’s your girlfriend…?

Sikes: Shut up and come home with us!

Onlookers: GO HOME TO YOUR FAMILY YOU USELESS SLUG!

Bullseye: WOOF WOOF!

[Sikes and Nancy FINALLY manage in taking Oliver home to Fagin’s.]

Oliver: Wait… who are you? You. Strange man who accosted me.

Sikes: Bill Sikes.  Now, I’m going to beat you. Fagin, get my dog and my club.

Charley: And some popcorn!

Nancy: Oh. Hell no.

Sikes: What’s up?

Nancy: You are NOT going to hit the kid. Sorry.

Sikes: Um… yes. I am.

Nancy: No. You’re not.

Sokes: You are fucking crazy, isn’t that right, Fagin?

Fagin: Fucking crazy.

Nancy: Oh, I’m not!

Dodger: She is.

Nancy: Thanks for your help!

Dodger: No problem!

[So, for quite a while, Oliver is holled up in the house because they don’t want him running away.  Dodger takes this opportunity to generally be kinda a jerk.]

Dodger: Oliver! Shine my shoes!

Oliver: Why?

Dodger: Because, frankly, you’re my bitch right now. And I really think you should be Fagin’s bitch, too. He’s a good guy, once you get past all the creepy pedophilia and obsession with shiny things. Hell, I’ve been working for him for a while and I get food, occasionally some money to spend, and get to spend time with all the best whores!

Oliver: Nancy’s not a whore!

Dodger: Um, kid… Yeah. She is.

[A few days later.]

Sikes: So, Fagin! I have a job!

Fagin: Oh, good.  You’ll stop hanging out around here then.

Sikes: Not so, old man! There’s this BIG MANSION that is RIDDLED WITH MONEY and GOLD and SILVER.

Fagin: And generally shiny stuff?

Sikes: …Yes. But, Toby Crackit and his cohorts want to rob it. Only problem is, there’s a small window that we can’t get through. We need someone roughly Oliver-sized to climb through it.

Fagin: I don’t know if we have anyone Oliver-sized. You may want to try that one street-urchin, wassisname. The Thenardier kid.

Sikes: Gavroche?

Fagin: That’s the one!

Sikes: That would require going to France and stopping a revolution. I hate France

Nancy: But we’d go to the sea in the process!

Sikes: …   ….   No more pies for you, wench.

Fagin: Well, we do have that one Oliver-sized kid.

[So, Nancy woke Oliver up the next morning and hailed a carriage.]

Nancy: Oliver.

Oliver: What?

Nancy: Don’t fuck up this time, okay?

[They spent the day at Bill’s house only to leave really early the next morning.]

Sikes:  Before we go, Oliver, I have to tell you something.

Oliver: What’s that?

Sikes: This is a loaded gun. If you don’t shut the fuck up and do what you’re supposed to, it is going to go right into your head. Got it?

Oliver: And if I don’t?

Nancy: What did he just say? About the loaded gun? And your head?

[So Bill, Barney, Toby and Oliver go to the mansion.]

Sikes: Remember, kid. Loaded Gun. Do as we say. Shut the fuck up. Now! Go! Into the window! Unlock the front door! And DON’T DO ANYTHING STUPID!

Oliver: *goes through window*

Toby: You can breath, BTW!

Oliver: *thinking* Maybe I should totally warn these nice people whose house I’m supposed to rob. I mean, sure, I’ll get shot in the head and Nancy’ll get beaten up, possibly killed, but at these nice people won’t get robbed.

Sikes: HURRY IT UP!

Oliver: HEY! HELP! I’M TRYING TO ROB YOUR HOUSE! WAKE UP!

[Two men run down stairs and promptly shoot Oliver while Toby, Barney and Sikes run away.]

Man: Oh. Fuck. We shot a kid.

Other: Let’s get him to Rose. She’ll know what to do.

[Later that night over at Fagin’s…]

Toby: So, Sikes totally is MIA.

Nancy: WHAT?

Toby: Missing. In. Action.

Nancy: Where is he?

Barney: I think he rolled under a bush.

Fagin: Oh dear.

Nancy: Dodger! Charley! More drink! Pleeeease!

Fagin: Dear, we must not get drunk.

Nancy: Your fault I’m a hopeless drunkard in the first place! And now Bill is under a bush like a meatball.

Fagin:  Nancy, you are a complete mess. Go home.

Nancy: You’ll let a drunken woman walk the streets?

Fagin: I let you walk the streets when you’re sober, don’t you?

[At Bill’s…]

Sikes: *lies in bed totally screwed*

Nancy: Bill! You’re not well!

Sikes: No shit. Make me better.

Nancy: It appears to me you have Lupus.

Sikes: How do you know that?

Nancy: It’s always Lupus. Now, to make you feel better.

[Meanwhile, Oliver is feeling slightly better in his corner of the world.]

Rose Maylie: Hi! I’m Rose! I’m pretty, about 17, and the counterpart to Nancy. I’m also forgotten a lot. But I’m good.

Oliver: Oh. Hi.

Rose: We’re going to make you all better. And, talk about coincidences! Mr. Brownlow is our lawyer! So he knows where you are and is totally relieved! And you’ll be feeling better in no time.

Oliver: Clearly, I’m in heaven.

Rose: Hehehe, not really. Just my house. The one you tried to rob.

Oliver: But I warned you!

Rose: It’s okay. We have souls here.

Oliver: You’re truly a good person.

Rose: So are you, 24601 Oliver. Now, let’s get you feeling better.

[Time passes, and eventually, Fagin and his gang figure out where the hell Oliver is located. So, Fagin’s just chilling.]

Fagin: If only a creepy stranger would come up to me like they do in all Dicken’s novels and reveal something important to the plot.

Monks: Hi. I’m a creepy stranger.

Fagin: Just what the doctor ordered, my dear!

Monks: My name is Monks. I want information about this kid named Oliver Twist. Now. Seriously. Give me.

Fagin: Well, he’s… with the Maylie’s. Living a happy life.

Monks: That’s not helpful. I’m planning on destroying Oliver’s life, because he destroyed mine.

Fagin: The kid is 11. The only person capable of destroying someone’s life at that age is Harry Potter!

Monks: They’re both British Orphans who have shitty lives. What more do you want?

Fagin: Good question. Probably something shiny.

[The shadows move and Nancy exits stage left.]

[Meanwhile, over at Bill’s, while Bill is sleeping in the middle of the afternoon, Nancy sneaks out and goes to the Maylies.]

Nancy: Hi. I’m Nancy. I REALLY need to talk to you guys.

Giles: No. You don’t. You’re street trash.

Nancy: Can I just say two words that will change your mind entirely?

Giles: Good luck with that.

Nancy: Oliver. Twist.

Giles: Right this way Miss Nancy!

[Giles takes Nancy up to Rose and leaves them alone.]

Nancy: OH MY GOD PLEASE! I AM SUCH A BAD PERSON AND DON’T DESERVE TO BE IN YOUR PRESENCE! BUT THERE IS A MEAN NASTY MAN WHO IS GOING TO DESTROY OLIVER!

Rose: No shit! There are a lot of those, from what he’s been telling me. …Who are you, anyways?

Nancy: My name’s Nancy. I work for Fagin. And some other guy who is my boyfriend but I’m not going to say shit about him because I love him. But, Oliver is in trouble and you have to protect him.

Rose: Tell me more! Who is this other man?

Nancy: Can’t say. Sorry. Meet me on London Bridge at Midnight on Sunday. If I’m not there, come back the next Sunday. I’ll be there as long as I am able/alive.

Rose: You are not going to die in the span of three days!

[11 O’Clock. Sunday. Bill’s Place.]

Fagin: More drinks, my dear!

Sikes: What a perfect time for business. …Nancy, where the hell are you going?

Nancy: Out. I’m going for a walk.

Sikes: At 11?

Nancy: I won’t be gone for long. Just till 1 or something.

Sikes: But you’re not working tonight.

Nancy: Maybe I am. What does it matter to you, anyways? I’m going for a walk.

Sikes: No. You’re not.

Nancy: I totally am.

Sikes: Not on my watch, bitch! [He smacks her around a bit in the other room and shortly returns to Fagin.] Sorry about that. She’s fucking crazy.

Fagin: …or you’re just paranoid.

Sikes: I am not paranoid! I have no reason to be paranoid that Nancy is going out at ungodly hours of the night when she’s not working. What’s she going to do? Go fishing? Get a pie? Join a revolution?

[Nancy re-enters as the clock strikes 12.]

Sikes: If you still think you’re going somewhere tonight, you’re more screwed up then I thought.

Nancy: Hehehe, no, never.

Fagin: Well, I better get going. Nancy, walk me down the stairs.

Nancy: But I can’t go anywhere tonight.

Sikes: The stairs is not somewhere! Go!

[The two exit and go down the stairs.]

Fagin: Nancy, you do realize that I’m totally on your side and absolutely hate Sikes despite him being, like, my only friend.

Nancy: I do. Good night.

[In the pub…]

Noah: I’m looking for work.

Fagin: And I have work!

Noah: Do tell, old man!

Fagin: Not for you. I have better people. You’re funny looking.

Charley: [running in] ZOMG! FAGIN! DODGER HAS BEEN TAKEN TO AUSTRALIA!

Fagin: Shit.

Noah: About this work.

Fagin: Yes…. Become a pick pocket. And do me a favor.

Noah: Anything.

Fagin: Follow this one girl. Nancy. You’ve seen her. I’m going to blackmail her into helping me kill Bill.

Noah: No one can do that!

Fagin: Uma can!

[Next Sunday. London Bridge.]

[A carriage pulls up and out steps Rose and Mr. Brownlow. Noah lurks in the shadows. Nancy’s there.]

Nancy: Come on. Closer to the water.

Mr. Brownlow: This is a trick you thieving whore!

Nancy: No. It’s not. I just don’t want to be heard.

Mr. Brownlow: You sure?

Rose: I trust her.

[They go closer to the water. Noah follows.]

Nancy: So, here’s the deal. Fagin and this guy called Monks are going to destroy Oliver’s life. Like I told you. I can’t do anything about this other then tell you two. And I can’t help, because I’ll be killed and I don’t want that and I’m probably going to be killed right now considering I’m talking to you and the walls have ears.

Noah: Got that right.

Nancy: So, I’m completely paranoid right now.

Mr. Brownlow: We can give you safe passage to France or somewhere. Keep you out of this. IF YOU TELL US THIS OTHER GUYS NAME.

Nancy: NEVER! I can’t. Please, don’t bring up my name, don’t bring up anyone’s name. I want Fagin and the other guy to get off scotch free but Monks has to be killed. I want Oliver to be safe.

Mr. Brownlow: A penny for your troubles?

Nancy: NO! I’ll take a handkerchief, though. You know. To wipe up blood with.

[they all exit, Noah follows in the shadows.]

[Fagin’s house.]

Noah: FAGIN! I GOTTA TELL YOU SOMETHING!

Fagin: Now now. I’m with Bill. Talking.

Noah: No, I really got to- Oh. Bill. Hi. I can’t tell you now.

Sikes: Go on. Tell.

Fagin: You heard the man. Tell.

Noah: WellNancytotallypeachedonusealltothesetwofancyschmancypeople.

Sikes: NANCY?

Noah: Yes.

Sikes: I am going to kill her!

Fagin: Don’t be too messy!

Sikes: Ha! You wish.

[Sikes runs off.]

Fagin: You did good.

Noah: Except, he wouldn’t let me get to the part where Nancy wanted you two not to be mentioned.

Fagin: Oh. Fuck.

[Bill’s house.]

Sikes: Nancy!

Nancy: Yes, dear?

Sikes: You fucking whore!

Nancy: How much have you had to drink tonight?

Sikes: Not a drop. But you are SO dead.

Nancy: What?

Sikes: You peached. Noah heard you. Prepare do be destroyed!

Nancy: But not on you!

Sikes: Too late!

Nancy: *is pwned*

Sikes: Oh… em… gee… I totally… just killed…. My girlfriend… HOLY FUCK!

[Sikes FLEEES! To the COUNTRYSIDE!]

[Countryside.]

People: So, this chick was totally pwned in London the other day by some guy. The girl who went to identify her totally went insane from the massive pwnage that took place.

Sikes: *totally paranoid* *flees back to London*

[London.]

Mr. Brownlow: You! Monks! I was warned about you. Now, dish why you hate Oliver.

Monks: He’s my bastard ½ brother and ruined my life so he really needs to be killed, basically. His mother was an Anges someone. His father was my father.

Mr. Brownlow: WAIT! If what you’re saying is true, then Anges is Rose’s sister, making Oliver Rose’s half brother, so… this is amazing.

Monks: You’re telling me!

Mr. Brownlow: JAIL FOR YOU!

Police: Fagin! Open up!

Fagin: ooohhh hoooo hooooo my life is ooooovvveeeeeeer. Jaaaaailllll………. I was a good, honest man I was.

Police: Except for your crime empire.

Fagin: Oh. Right. About that….

Police: JAIL FOR YOU!

[Rooftops]

Sikes: I feel the chill of ghostly shadows everywhere!

Ghost of Nancy: Biiiiilllllll Siiiiiiiiiiiikeeeeeeeeessssssssss! Biiiiiiiillllllllllll Siiiiiiiiiiiyyyyyyyykkkkkkkeeeeeeesssssssssss!

Sikes: I gotta get down from here! Look! A rope! [he wraps it around his waist.]

Bullseye: WOOF! WOOF!

Sikes: *slips off roof*

Rope: *wraps itself around Sikes’s neck*

Sikes: *is pwned*

Onlookers: ZOMG HE KILLED HIMSELF!

[A while later….]

Oliver: My life is happy! But, I want to do something.

Mr. Brownlow: Yes?

Oliver: Can I go visit Fagin? In jail? He’s going to die today, anyways.

Mr. Brownlow: …I guess…

[Jail]

Fagin: OH! OLIVER! I DROPPED THE SOAP! I DROPPED THE SOAP!

Oliver: Now you know how it feels.

Fagin: I’m going to be dead today! Oh, my liiiiiifeeeee! Flashing! Before my eyyyyyeeeeeessss!

Oliver: Pray. For forgiveness. You were a bad man.

Fagin: *sobs*

Oliver: I forgive you, Fagin. You brought me to my real family.

Fagin: I never had any family! Nancy was the closest thing to a daughter I ever had. Charley is now an honest citizen, Dodger is in Australia, Sikes is ded, and Bet is forgotten. I AM ALONE.

Oliver: I will never forget you, Fagin.

Fagin: Oliver…. Answer me one thing. Please.

Oliver: Anything.

Fagin: …When I die… what will they do with my body?

Oliver: Bake it into a pie, I suspect.